Past Forgotten
Sections:
Looking Backwards
Back Pain
Silence
Doctor, Doctor
Looking Backwards
Can I even? It's scary, to read the words of someone else and know their remnants lie dormant inside me. How dormant... though?
Words that talk, at seventeen, of men who only cared about me when I was less than that. Was I that much of a complete idiot at that age? Or did I just occasionally go insane...
Words are never right when they come from me...
Recently, I've noticed a lot more automatic speech. Like I'm becoming someone else, but I haven't let go of my place yet. Everything is so slow with me. It's been happening for ages, but it's far past simmering now. I am making full conversations about things I have no clue about, and things that aren't me.
Maybe it's this town... maybe it's me. I saw the god that people have been whispering about. Some say it's a sign. Some say it's a rapture. I don't know, I just think its just some dude. But I can't deny I am being tested.
Back Pain
Dissociation has always been weird for me apparently. My younger child self describing my nerve pain as wings growing from my spine. It truly does sometimes feel like my back is being ripped open. I can't blame my younger self for dreaming of a beautiful reason for the pain... but I want to blame her. No one will ever take you seriously. Knowing you, they wouldn't take you seriously even if you could accurately pinpoint exactly what's physically the matter.
I wasted so much life believing there was a fantastical way of escape; from my body and situation. I regret it. Looking backwards is painful when it's all wasted opportunity.
I vaguely remember my mind back then. It was foggy as hell in there. Something is wrong with me, and I'm not sure I can ever recover. Not when all I know is being alone... I don't think I have the tools or the brainpower to find out how to not be alone. It's cosmic, how god I am at fumbling chances.
I know I'm not alone in feeling this. People have begun talking to the god as it wanders town. It never seems to be aware of much beyond just blobs of presence... yet still people worship at it's feet and I can see why. Maybe it will give us a chance at not being so alone.
Silence
No one talks to each other anymore. Not really. They all seem to have developed that glazed over expression that seems rooted in whatever has brought the god here. It's not like I was ever good at talking to people... but I can't help but miss the little connections. Now, the only one that will nod at me at the grocery store is the god. I feel like when I turn away... it smiles at me. I can feel it in my hair-- in my head.
I feel like I found the last people who have some semblance of spark behind their eyes... but I didn't stick around. I blend in now, more than I ever have. Years of trudging on to nothing let me blend in with the silent masses and disappear. It's okay, though. I'm happy seeing the real people laugh and play in between the aisles of stores who's clerks can't even be bothered to check people out now. It truly is just clock in, clock out nowadays. The weird thing is, I would have expected some form of authority to notice a whole town going crazy... but for all I know it's a government conspiracy. That's what I heard some of the real ones saying. They laughed, though. I don't know... I just don't know. I gave up being important to anyone a long time ago. No sense starting to make myself worth something now, when I am content. I am content. I am content.
Doctor, Doctor
I visited a family friend today. They still have a spark behind their eyes occasionally. I just wish they wouldn't be so content to lose it. They must have thought I was a patient, the way that when I told them my thoughts on this town's sickness, they just asked me how my diet has been, and if I've been exercising enough. I humored her about how maybe I'm just feeling that way from the hormones. One day I'll believe it... but not today. It wears you down and makes you worse, and I'm holding off as long as possible. Until I forget, too, what it means to care about people. I used to care a lot. Cared for all sorts of people, good and bad. I still do, a bit. But it's hazy. Seperating yourself from others is easy when you've walked on eggshells your whole life. Again, with the inability to make friends like other people do. Now the whole town's living in it. The more sensitive ones break down crying on the sidewalks now, but no one stops to help them. And after a few seconds, they abruptly stop... It worries me. I know how that feels.
When the god shows up during one of those cry sessions... I don't know why, but it seems to enrage everyone in the viscinity. Nothing different happens, but after a while, there's mutterings under people's breaths when the person who was crying near it gets close. It's like the one thing these people react to. "Other people deserve it more."